Sometimes there are so many competing thoughts in my head, distractions outside and within my control and I lose my concentration and I want to hide. Did you know that you can't hide from God? I thought I could hide in my house, in a glass of wine, in the television, in a social activity or a book. Maybe, He wouldn't find me if I tried to hide in my sleep, but He's there too. I'm up at all hours thinking, wondering and afraid to pray, because I already know what He wants me to do. We've been over it a million times. Me telling God, no and Him laughing. This morning He planted a song in me that I hadn't heard in years. Suddenly, (really, just like that), I knew what to do again.
I am not supposed to entertain you. I am not supposed to spare your feelings or sugarcoat my pain. I am supposed to write the Truth in fiction. That is all. I believe that my steps are ordered by God and I believe those orders were in motion long before I came to be. That the sum of my life experiences have brought me right here (you too). WE all have a purpose, and sometimes, I want another one that doesn't come with all of these tears and reminders of people and places that I have never seen. I wish I could look at others and see nothing more than their clothes and perhaps a cute shoe. But, I can't. I see everything. I hear everything. I feel everything, including your pain, and when I leave your presence it stays with me. And I am supposed to do something with it, expose the gaping hole to mend it. Not allowing the truth to surface is like covering the sun forever.
A chain link fence is only as strong as each link. If you cut one small link, its nothing to unravel the others. No more running. Me and my pen are re-dedicated to mending those fences. All I ask is that God continue to order my steps.