The Trials of Raising a Man: Pt III

Excuse me.. Mine is missing the manual

How hard could this be? I asked myself as I looked at the beautiful baby snuggled in my arms. Just a few moments before he was taken from right underneath my heart and placed in my hands. In my care. Already, I loved him. Already I wanted the best for him. Raising J was gonna be a piece of cake.

✓ Clothes on his back ✓ Feed him ✓ Send him to school and at 18, off on his own he will go off into the world to be the man God called him to be. Right? Uh, Wrong! There is so much more to parenthood than necessities. There is so much between birth and 18. There are smiles, frowns, heartaches, struggles, successes, failures, and triumphs! Parenthood for sure has taught me (the hard way), there is more to life, than me.

I don’t remember having so many distractions such as the internet, a cell phone, an iPod, a television in my room, - a television at my disposal whether or not it was in my room with 200 channels to flip idly through. I didn’t have a Mommy-guide at my complete disposal either. I rush around picking him up, dropping him off, arranging every detail of his life. Why in the world did I honestly think I could get him to think and make good choices, when he never had to? I made all the decisions and then told him what to think. He had it made with life at his disposal. Shoes too big for a kid. Hello Mom!! Everything is not supposed to be for him, but for his benefit!

It took me a long time to understand that J was his own person. No matter how much I wanted to see him walk down the right path, I couldn’t force it on him. Nor do it for him. Or bribe him the entire way. J had his own mind. The only thing I can ever change is my reaction. I introduced accountability into our household. For every action, I gave him a set standard of reactions. A=B, always, and without exceptions. We taped them to the fridge. If A was a positive action then so was B, and vice versa. I cannot begin to tell you how much that freed me. I no longer had to bear the burden of punishing him. He knew the consequences, he punished himself and it had nothing to do with me. Can you say sigh of relief?

There are times I may have made a mountain out of a molehill of, but at the time, did I know it was a molehill? The two can get very confusing when it's all unknown terrain and you don’t have a handy dandy manual in your pocket. All I know is that I wanted my child to be perfect. To be successful one day. I want him to be a great mountain of a man one day. So I pushed him. I pushed him just as hard as I push myself. When he failed to meet the expectations that I never fully discussed and agreed upon with him, I felt as though I failed too. I took it personally and we both crashed. I have since learned that I can revel in his successes with him. I can hold his hand and comfort him when he fails. That is all Mommy can do. A man must learn to how to deal with failure on his own. We talk about what made him succeed in a particular endeavor, so he will know what works. We talk about what made him fail a particular endeavor, so he will know what doesn’t work. We talk about everything. The doors to Communication are now open.

You know what helps me the most in all my Trials of Raising a Man? Knowing and accepting I cannot live J’s life for him. I cannot do everything for him. I cannot think for him or he will never be able to think for himself. Giving him the answer is so much easier and less time consuming for me than guiding him to find it on his own. However, it is my job to think long term as to what is best for him. If I do not teach him the survival skills necessary to live in a changing world for sure he will fail, and Mommy-guide may not be there to fix it. This world will not love him as much as I do. The world won’t hold him close and become excited over his heartbeat every day. He must learn to look to me for comfort and look towards the world when it’s time to conquer. He must learn how to fail and try again until he succeeds. Trust his own judgment and lean on God with all he believes.

Yes, J really is a fantastic kid! I am humbled to be his Mom. I thank God for choosing me to be his guide on this journey called life. I am enjoying my role so much more now that we have finally figured this Mother and son thing out.

Here’s all the manual you need: Proverbs 22: 6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
(but have a guide to find his way back!)

The Trials of Raising a Man: Pt II, The Lost Village

Lost Village

The village is being pillaged.

We laugh from sanctified perches.

Generations march idly by

Lost.
Robbed in hindsight.

The village is now empty.

I remember being about 13 yrs old with the audacity to cross my legs in church. I paid no attention to the fact that my skirt rose up over my knees. I was young and maybe I didn't care. But, She did. A mother, of the church walked towards me with contempt on her face, shaking out a white hanky with a white lace edge until it snapped loudly, breaking the air. "Fast tailed girl!" she hissed as she placed it over my knees concealing my goodies. She walked away rolling her eyes at the audacity of my brazenness.


She was not having it, not in her church, and not on her watch. She marched right over to my grandmother; I watched them whisper, then glance over at me. The frown on my Grandma's face was clear. I knew what was going to happen on the way home. I adjusted the hanky on my knees and waited in uneasy anticipation of what was to come because I embarrassed Grandma at Village headquarters...church! The family, the church, the neighborhood, the school, and the corner market were all parts of the Village.

Lately, we've officially lost that One Village feeling. The Village is missing in massive proportions. Why? Do we no longer need a Village to raise a child?

Why are we afraid to talk to the children of our dear friends if we catch them misbehaving outside of their parents watchful eyes? Why do we not snatch the pants up of Young Junior and tell him to go put on a belt! Or explain to Little Miss Fast Tail privately how to come before the Lord instead of whispering and pointing at her from almighty sanctified perches. "That's a shame..tsk, tsk, tsk." Yes, it is a shame, but if you're not going to help then you've lost your right to gossip. That little boy in despair, most likely doesn't have a man around. God said for us to allow the fatherless to eat and be satisfied by the works of our hands and He will bless us. (Deuteronomy 14:29) He was talking about you and me. You are the village; I am the village...We are all accountable.

You know what is both missing and present in massive abundance. FEAR. We live in it, then we hide because of it and get behind it.


We live in fear that the wrong somebody is going to tell our child what to do. It's a valid fear. However you have to trust someone, and why not start with your immediate village. Your neighbor is home when you are away, and can let you know/or shut down what is really going on while the cat's away. I don’t mind telling the neighborhood boys go put on shoes, no fighting, or pick up trash left in my yard. Yet, my guard rises quickly if I see any suspicious actions in my neighborhood. I care about their safety. They are my boys too!

We don't want our child to fear us; let alone their teacher. If they don't like their 5th grade teacher, we go off on the teacher, knowing little Brad is hard to handle at home instead of instilling dread in him of coming home after a long day of acting up in school. WE must work with other figures of authority and not against. When children realize this, they think twice. My child does not fear me, but he is afraid of the consequences. In the beginning: Adam and Eve were in the garden, and scurried to cover themselves when they heard the voice of the Lord. Why? They were afraid of the consequences of disobeying the Supreme Authority Figure. (Gen 3:10)

We live in fear that somebody (whoever that is) will think we are a bad parent. Even parents need a village, a "what can I do with this boy" consortium to bounce ideas and strategies. Don't be ashamed to reach out! I remember once boo-hooing at the altar and my good friend, wrapped her arms around me. I told her what was wrong because she had 3 great adult kids, so she had been there/done it all. She snatched J up and through clenched teeth told him, "Keep stressing your mama out, hear. You will be at my house for the weekend, and it won't be fun. She is all you have and if she gave up on you today who would you have?" He began to cry, he knew the answer. She hugged and kissed him and told him she loved him and prayed with us. Nope, it didn't hurt me one bit to have someone outside of my family chastise my child. I trust and respect her. I mean she still chastises Me, his Mom, whenever she deems necessary.

I look back on all my public displays of chastisement. All of them shaped who I am today. I am grateful for every single experience, for every finger that ever wagged disapprovingly in my face, for every time I heard fast tailed girl while I was told "go put on a slip!"

If this were a democracy the Village would be the Senate and Congress and I, the President. If governing parties work against each other, nothing gets accomplished. I have a huge job on my hands, and I need my village. I need the help, the guidance, and support on those dark days when I’ve exhausted all avenues! You give me extra fuel. Thank you for being my cheerleader/coach/ and especially mediator. It's not like J came with a manual or something ;-). What do I know about Raising a Man?

My son needs me. True. But, he needs your eyes in the back of my head to catch what I've missed. Although the Village went out of style like neighborhood watch and block parties, can I ask a favor? If you ever see my J out in the big wide world acting up, just give him the Eye or an Earful and call me. Trust and believe We will make a man out of that boy yet!

Please park your opinion, I'd love to know your thougts!

Check back Soon: The Trials of Raising a Man Pt III: Excuse Me, Mine is missing the manual...

The Trials of Raising a Man...Pt I

By the time my words meet reality

You are already a man to be
Great king in the making
I have given you all of me
Merely a woman,
Pouring until there is nothing left

Run with this opportunity...

Aspire High. Stand tall

You are a Man.

Lean on my shoulders,

When you doubt what to do

Know Mom will pray

but, You should too

and, let God guide you

I love you!

Raising J, is the most beautiful, arduous task I have ever had the pleasure of performing. So many times I've wanted to give up, because I wasn't getting my way, or better yet my desired result. But who would be there to build him up, the way only a mother can. I'm still confused, but I look at the vision of what I think a man is, and build towards that... to date I have a great son. I mean, if I don't think he's great who would, or more importantly...would he?

Everyday I watch him grow just a little bit more. He ventures a little bit farther away. It won't be long now, I think to myself. He no longer holds on to my belt loop, every once in a while he looks over his shoulder for Mommy's approval. Whew, that was close, my baby, my son, my man child, he still needs me. I hug myself gently, but sooner than I can imagine I will be all I have. We are both preparing for the parting. I do not want him to be so attached, that he would stay. I believe that men must know how to make their own way in this world. There are no exceptions, no excuses are allowed for men.

He is changing so fast, I race to keep up. Allowing him to change begins with me. So, I've begun with the way I talk to him. The way I treat him. I have to be mindful of his self-esteem, his dreams, and the way he sees me, the first lady of his life. Am I the woman I want him to bring home to me? Just one of those things I think about frequently.

Sometimes when we clown around, I feel his strength. His power growing, and he notices amazed at himself. But wait my son, I see you are taller than me and developing quickly but please do not forget I am the boss. I remind him more often now than ever. I am your mother, your sole provider and somewhere way down the line, your friend. To me, it's like mixing business with pleasure... once you cross the line, it's hell getting your professionalism back. Of course spankings and frequent chastisings are out of the question at this point, he is huge. I win only when I challenge his mind to think reasonably and appeal to his sensitive side. More explanations are necessary, but I'm glad he trusts me enough to ask ME. I have moved from talking to him to conversing with him. And more God is imperative.

Some things I have to repeat like a broken record. I allow him to misplace them in his busy mind, these lessons, only because I know...that like me in my youth, he will remember later and aren't those jewels from Grandma more precious, more meaningful today than ever.. It's funny how the right words come back just when you need them most. My son will be no exception.

• Know God for yourself, one day you will have to cover your family!
• Mom is in charge. Period
• When I say failure... he finishes with..is not an option. Exactly!
• You are a leader, might as well get used to it and start now
• Be gentle with little kids, you were once that small
• Be a friend to the friendless, we all share this future
• Men shouldn't talk about people or gossip, it's a sign of weakness & insecurity. Do you know who you are, well that's all that matters.
• Did you hear the instructions, or do you like running around in circles
• Are we a team, or two separate entities, well let's get on the same page
• Never give me a gift that is not wrapped, his wife will appreciate that ;)
• You are smart, You are beautiful, if you believe it so will everyone else
• What do you want to do, then do it
• If you don't practice/prepare, you will fail is that the result you want
• I know you don't have your own Dad, it's that much more important that you be what you never had, especially since you know what it feels like.
• Everything I am not, you can be let Mom's mistakes give you a head start
• Don't lie, it opens the door to theft, murder, cheating, etc, none of which are Mommy supported activities
• Don't just say ok, what is your opinion? Have one and Stand on it
• Pay attention to what is going on around you, It's not all about you
• I don't want to hear any excuses, or complaints unless you need my opinion and/or have thought about a resolution
• Who said no again? Well, who the hell is that?
• In life you get what you deserve. Do you think you deserve this?
• Character is hard to repair, once flawed publicly, even at home
• Sometimes Mom has it ALL wrong, please accept my apology. I am a woman trying to raise a Great man...

But as I interpret the bible to say, train up a child in the way he should go... Isn't he already a child, and hasn't he mastered being a child? Therefore, aren't my instructions to train him up to be a man...at least I'm trying..the best I can as a woman!

Fellas, Us ladies would really love your feedback on this one.